Sensei- i really want to be a martial artist against all odds but i made a big mess at the dojo.?

i was very depressed just lost someone dear to me and other issues as well, plus havin panic attacks and yada yada etc.-IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US-.i open myself to the " the instructors'" which in return the female and male sensei eventually used it against me. it doesnt help that i slept with the male sensei as well and was really feeling him but couldnt express it cause i was off my knockers at the time-- i left, came back then left again. however with the help of the "MOST HIGH" im not depressed and havin panic attacks anymore but still have the memory"cloud" & still want to learn karate. By the way, my children practice there as well and respects them both as they should. i will never come between my children and their training. they're learning well and rapidly because they are bright and are fast learners and do have great teachers.both sensei love their kraft and know what they r doing; that i can't and will not over look. however because of MY pass mistake i feel extremely ashamed and uncomfortable when im there. i told somebody which i knew was an -informer- in and out of the dojo how i felt and said somethings that -wasnt true- just to see if people were really talking about me. it was true!they was talking!!! still talking! so now that the subliminal messages that the instructors say while practicing is towards me. they dont know that i know but i do. the male sensei is trying to show the students that knows about us & which is mostly his family including the female sensei, that he is the bigger person but still find time to put me down. i ask GOD to forgive me for my mistakes but didnt know i would have to be tormented while im suppose to train. i will make sure my children go thru with their dreams in which one is being a martial artists. it really hurts that i will have to put mine on hold. sideline- i really love females duking it out without fear. every time i fought i was always afraid and thought it was life or death. i really want to learn sportsmenship and regain the confidence & courage i once had. im in my thirtys and with that being said -either i have it now or i don't- maybe all that was proof that i don't have what it takes. regardless, my children will succeed in martial arts! i will not root them up from their dojo because of my flaws& f*#k ups . i only need sound advice from the the people that understand "first call". thanks